I went and saw Depeche Mode for the second time in my life this fall. Once again, they played Policy of Truth and I heard the lyric that has been running through my brain for months:
Was what you swore
The time before
How many times now have I woken up sick and embarrassed and said “I’ll never do that again?” It’s become a terrible punchline. So far I haven’t made any irreversible mistakes, but the longer my binge drinking goes on, the more likely one will happen.
I need a way to write about this long, slow descent into hell. I want a way to tell my story in a public place, not just in a composition notebook. I also want to tell it fairly anonymously — at least anonymously enough not to show up in searches by future employers.
I am not a writer and I don’t expect to create beautiful, or even coherent posts. I expect to write every day for a while. After that, who knows? Keeping sober is not the only thing I have attempted that I have not completed. My last drinking episode was on Thanksgiving, and my last embarrassing drunk was this past Monday. I’ve been dry for three days now, but that’s common in my story. I’m a binge drinker, not an everyday one.